Im alive....please read this comes from deep inside.

I have been back to work since Wed. But I haven't been able to to focus on anything. There is alot going on in my life right now and many decisions are being made or going to be made.

All I ask for is support. No judging or comparisons. Just support. Believe me I don't let it all out in the open and I have my reasons I have tried that in the past. It doesn't help me it hurts me and it hurts me bad.

As I am trying to figure out things and as the days and weeks go by I will still blog and try to be as upbeat as I can. Yesterday was a horrible day for me. My sister got the worst of it but not even close to what I was feeling. I broke down at work, embarrassing, I don't think anyone noticed but I just wanted to scream and cry my eyes out to get all of the bad energy out of me.

Funny thing two days ago I looked up at the frame on the wall of my name and meaning and the last line said. Survivor. that I am able to pick of the pieces. It made me smile. I have been in denial and knew it for some time. Thats just me and my personality I guess. Kinda like procrastination of my life. All I want it to be happy so if denial did it so be it. And it helps to be busy all of the time.

This is the most upbeat I have been and the worst time in my life since the divorce , the accident(mom) and the alcoholism(mom). But my mind is somewhat clear and everything is changing and ending. Weird huh.
I have been worse over less and that was me figuring out life.

I am a hard bitch with a soft heart. That is a usual combination for people like me. If your a hard bitch with a hard heart that kinda makes you the devil. We all have our krptonite no matter what type of person you are. I am a product of figuring out life on my own. This stuff happens. No one is perfect we all make mistakes. We pick ourselves back up and dust ourselves off and keep on living one day to the next.

I found out some fucked up information today on top of everything else that is going on with me. I need to chill the fuck out and free myself and clear this pain out of my body.

I mean the shit has been falling on me hard and it is making me a stronger person in a sense for what reason I don't know but I am going to follow the road that I am given. Because there has got to be some meaning in all of this. If not, my bad I guess.

I had it good, I was fine, I thought I could fix everything on my own, by myself. I can only fix me. No one else. I can help other people fix themselves and give advice and a helping hand and all of my compassion and caring. That goes to anyone in my life that I love and is true to me. No fakes. My people and if you are reading this you are one of those people. Even if we haven't know each other that long. I can read a person and stray away from the others.

My love is strong and it is deep in my heart.
My friendship is true and is to the end.
My family(my people) are protected from evil, I will try everything to keep it away.

This is me. No matter what happens in my life I am still there for everyone. I was obviously built to handle these situations.

I am so excited for Isabelle and Alex coming into this world, nothing will ever change that. Please don't take or keep anything from me I want it all I want to enjoy this with the both of you no matter what happens in my life. I don't put myself first. I just want to make sure everyone else is taken care of first.

The worst thing that could happen to me and hurt my feelings the most is my friends and family thinking less of me. I was able to keep my life private up until these last two years. I have been the oldest, the leader, the everything. And I can't say that anymore. I don't think anyone can understand that fully. Take away almost everything that makes you you. Unfortunately not everyone in my life gets to read this blog. And totally understand me. Believe me its hard to understand myself.

I am mad at myself for not being better. I know that I am beating myself up over it. I gave up for a little bit and it felt horrible. I have to leave it all in the past. Because I am going to be by myself in a sense.

I have been rambling for a long time at work and crying no one has noticed. But everyone of these words I mean and have meaning. This is how I am feeling and I just need some support.

Im sure there is tons more to say but this enough for today. I have a interesting March to go through.

April will be better babies are coming, Spring, a new life for me.

Here is an example about what I was talking about earlier. I just got a call from my sister about how her day is panning out. Lets just say she fell down some stair and got poked with a fishing lure to name a few. Every emotion from being in the middle of writing this went away and listened and ended up laughing.

So not all blabbly now and getting ready to leave work.

Thanks for reading this.

Love, Jen