oh the pain...

I was out in the sun today for a stampin up garage sale and I am a Lobster. Both arms feel like they are on fire. Little by little all day my arms got hotter and hotter.

So now they are just burning. They are not pink they are red. I have globs of aloes on them and It only works for a little bit. I did get some on my chest and neck but my arms are taking over as far as pain is concerned. I think I will take a picture tomorrow if I get around to it.

I miss home...my home

I have no home...My mom doesn't count.

I had a home... with a basement and a garage and a yard and an address.

Now I have a room and sleep with Dennis in dramatic village half the week.

I had a bed...that we both slept in and could watch TV and fall asleep with or without it together.
We could be as loud as we wanted and did whatever and said whatever we damned well pleased.

I had a kitchen...where I cooked meals for the both of us. I didn't have to be criticized for not cooking like someone else. I kept me and Dennis ALIVE for 6 yrs. Or being quiet trying to cook a meal or on occasion someone eating my shit.

I was a free adult, 28 yrs. old taking care of my self. I am an independent woman all the way.

I hate that I have to deal with anyones bullshit at any time. I didn't have to do that in my home, my safe place.

It hasn't truly hit me that this is real, this is my life now. For now.

Future=Who knows I have to create it. I would rather curl up into a ball and rock myself to sleep. Before I do that. I am grateful for having it good at my moms. i was expecting the worst.

Question=What the hell happened to me? i have been hit my a train. Can I come back from all of this? Why do good people get screwed. I have just tried to be a good person and be a good girlfriend/fiance a good everything to everyone. My cards didn't fall into place and it may take time but it will happen.

I want so many years back. Even back into kid days. I want them all back, just like wishes on "Goonies". i want a do over. i want things to be different. I want my parents happy, together and never had to deal with the hurtful things that came with living in Wilmington. And there were alot.

I wonder what it would be like? But that is living in the past. So I am thinking and I am crying, thinking about the song "Our House"

"Our house was a very very very fine house"

I had a house...I had a life...

Whether it be as a kid or as an adult. It was taken away from me both times.

-I know this is long but these are raw emotions that are rarely all let out. I wrote this on paper the other night at Dennis parents house, I was just fed up with everything triggered by his mother.

Please understand I am aware that things can be worse, these are just my feelings and emotions.

Things to blog about

Finish animal post

Memorial Day

Dr appt today.

Dennis parents house = drama

Stampin UP

i will get to these sometime soon.

I am jealous........

of the sleeping people right now. I hope you all are cozy in your warm beds.

No its cool just typing dumb shit.

I am too bored and tired to even think of anything to blog about so maybe I will later

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...I wish

Why did I say I would work??

I didn't have any plans and I could use the couple extra dollar.

What I could of done tonight? I could of hung outside and had some drinks with my sister at her friends house. Instead I am hear watching crap. Bitter am I? just a little.

Either way it always happens this way, something pops up. I will be better after I wake up later today.

Thank god I called my dad because I was on the schedule for tomorrow, eek! So I changed it til after my drs appt on tues. Horray. Not really.

At least I have Weds. off

These blogs are retarded.

Bad movies....

I have been doing everything to try to stay awake at work and watching bad movies is getting old.

First I watched Dude wheres my car? Then I started watching The Shape of Things some 90's movie I had to end it too boring. Then I watched Boat Trip which was okay. Now I am watching a retarded movie. It is Adam Sandlers first film and it is low budget and just plain bad. I actually had to stop it and start wrting so I wouldn't fall asleep.

I have some real movies here so I'll jut watch one of those.
I have 2 and a half more hours and I am definately feeling it.

Looking forward to being home in my bed..............

Dogs and cats

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo freaking done with animals. I think i have even decided that when I have a home of my own in one of these lightyears I don't want one.

So theres Jesse she is a german shepard/lab mix, she is a very loveable dog and doesn't bark inside the house. But she is needy and thinks she is a human...seriously. She is a pretty large dog and will try to sit on your lap.

My issues are she doesn't get from underneath your feet. I feel bad for ignoring her but you pet her once she doesn't want to go away. If I go outside with her she wants to bark at everything. I really hate barking none listening dogs. She now listens a little I usually just point and tell her not to think about it. She is harmless, but when I get home I want to be able to move around at my pace and not trip over the f'ing dog.

I HAVE TO PAUSE THIS BLOG BECAUSE MY CO-WORKERS VOICE MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT THEN JUMP OFF A BUILDING. I NEEDED TO WRITE THIS. I AM GOING TO WATCH REAL WORLD THEN COME BACK.

ugghhh...

I feel out of it today. Uggghhh! is the term the best describes me. I know it has to do with my hormones. I think I will start my period soon but I'm not too sure. I just started taking my pills again 3 weeks ago, but I don't know when its gonna happen and it shouldn't be this week. Who knows?

My body is tired and I just am doing everything slower than usual today. Usually I am speedy gonzales.

My stomach was all messed up last night and I woke up with it too. That doesn't help.

I just passed out watching TV on my back with my glasses on and woke up twice like I used to at my old house. I hate that because I don't know what is going on. I was woken up by a bug flying by my ear in the morning.

I am in a prime location for little critters. The front door is 3 ft. from my bedroom door. So if you leave the door open or a little flying fucker flies in and my door is open they will probably take a trip into my room. I already killed to daddy long legs in my room. Come on now.

I don't want to sleep with the bugs I might as well sleep in a tent.

So I woke up with just enough time to cloth myself and walk out the door.

WEEE off to work I went.

Lindsay is graduating...Oh my god

My little baby sister is graduating 8th grade today. Wow. 14 years ago we were all very surprised to find out my mother was pregnant. I was 14, Darryl was 12 and Sarah was 11. So we weren't little kids anymore. I was just as shocked as my mother. Lindsay was not planned. My mom wasn't sure if she was going to keep her.

Obviously she did and I couldn't imagine Lindsay not being here. She is funny, artistic and can be a firecracker.

I always used to wonder what she would look like and what I would look like when we got older. It seemed like light years away back then. But it is happening, she will be driving in two years. You've got to be kidding me. I don't want her to grow up and deal with the crap that adults have to deal with. But it is inevitable.

I get a glipse of what parents feel. She is my baby sister but we all helped raise her.

So I don't know why this is so emotional. But I don't want to embarass myself by crying at the graduation. So I hope these are the only tears I shed. Lindsay would laugh at me if she knew.

So Heres to the class of 2008. Congratulations!!!

Things to look forward to......

Soon:

One more day of work

Alex's party

Su! meeting

Finally having all house bills paid off(Can you believe I'm still paying for shit) Almost done.

Getting hair cut

In near future:

Losing weight

Saving money

Fixing dent in my car

waxing my car to cover all the dings and scratches from inconsiderate assholes.

Shopping!! Clothes and shoes

Free breakfast.....

Hey I'll take it.

I went to McDonalds to get a water because I wasn't getting out of my car anywhere else. Lazy? or I had no make-up on.

So she asked it I wanted a free chicken biscuit. I hadn't heard good things about this sandwich, but it was free and I was hungry. It was okay. It did the job and it wasn't too dry.

Survivor Spoiler

Do not read unless you have seen Survivor>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


I am so surprised at how the last show went. The fact that there was a final 2 instead of 3. Wow!

I did really enjoy this season, they say it was the best one to watch yet. Yay for me getting into it.

So for the surprising factor, wow I cannot believe Parvati won, who would of thought, and from the questions they were asking it seemed like it was in Amanda's favor.

Coolest thing was Hottie Ozzie declaring his love to Amanda. Whoo Weee he can declare his love to me any day. I stayed up until 2: 00 in the morning watching the finale and the reunion. I just had to see it all. I didn't want the internet or news to ruin it for me.

I can't believe James won the favorite player twice in a row. Good for him he is just too funny.

I do feel bad for Amanda because she played a loyal game different from the first time, she kept her alliances and still got screwed. So that was upsetting and the fact that she had been doing this for 6 months almost straight. I feel for her. But she has Ozzy to keep her happy. NICE.

I dont' know what was up with his shirt though.

Overall I was happy with the whole season and looking forward to Gabon.

Worky Worky

I have been trying to finish a project for work and its been keeping me busy along with calls I can not help people with. I hate that. But when things go in when I am not here and no one uses there communication skills I am left in the dark. Whatever.

So busy as a beaver I had to speed up my lunch time because Al didn't come in, to do some graduation stuff. Probably laying around. So I had to be back by 1:30 from lunch to take a retarded vendor to IGB. I don't know why I was there, really.

I am happy that its 5:00 and scary people go home and leave me alone.

Busy Morning...

I have been busy with work at my desk and putting together my bills and recepits and cleaning out my purse.

It is already lunch time.

Yay

I will blog later on some fun things one being Survivor and free food.

hopefully I don't get to bogged down to blog.

Good thing no Wes(manager)

Bad thing Gary(boss) makes me work usually on dumb stuff.

I have no badge today, so no casino would make me a happy camper.

Woohoo Greys tonight.

WOW I just typed some random garbage real fast

See you Later.

late night color change

blogging in the dark. Just changing the color didn't know that it was too green. I guess all computers are different.

Had a good day today. Received my government check yay. I try to blog more abut tomorrow.

Hi mommies who get up early.

Funny thing I heard today. One man scared the other and the scared man said "you almost made me drop fruit in my looms " Funny get it.

Happy Mothers Day

to Jacki, Jayme, Theresa, Sue and anyone else that reads my blog. One of these days I'll fall under that category but for now you are all the Supermoms who get a gold star and a day dedicated to being you.

Obviously I wish my mom Happy Mothers Day. They are getting a little easier. My mom hasn't always been there for me and its sad, but that is another time in my life that I try not to assosiate with Mothers Day. But it is hard. I love my mom and I am trying to see through all of the crap from the past and look toward the future. I just have flashbacks around this time.

A couple years back I actually had a nervous breakdown after looking at cards. I am past that now.

I am grateful to have my mom back as mom.

Me and Sarah are usually a little salty when we talk about the day sometimes, but tomorrow we'll hang out and celebrate the day.

I just wish I knew that my mom would express how bad she feels for the years we can never get back. Right now she just wants to forget them.

I am so sorry this is so drab, Especially on Mothers Day, But this is how I feel.

Everyone have a great day and hugs your kids.

Its 2:45 am....

I am at work. My crazy ass thought why not make a little extra money and speed up the process of some bills that needed to be paid.

I am good I am only on my second wind usually its my fourth or fifth by now. It is a mental thing.

I just came in from outside because I couldn't remember it I left my sun roof cracked and its raining. It was closed, thank god. But I think it helped me wake up a little.

My day has consisted of eating watching sitcoms and movies more eating and talking on the phone multiple times with Jacki, Dennis and Sarah. This is all besides work. I luckily was able to help people over the phone.

I wanted to at least throw a blog or two out.

So Jacki feel free to call if you can't go back to sleep.

Busy Month...

May is filling up.

May 10th/11th - i am working a double. From 9am to 7am next day

May 11th - Mothers Day. Not really looking forward to it. I will be sleeping for the most part and we are supposed to plant, Not in a bad way though.

May 18th - Alex's party. Welcome Alex to the world party at Jackis moms

May 22nd - Lindsay is graduating 8th grade. Wow shes is really growing up.

May 25th - Jase's Christening. Jayme and family will be home and have a party for him afterwards.

May 27th - Dr. Appt to hopefully get this cyst aspirated.

May 29th - Stampin Up demo at Julies Java. Kinda nervous about it.

May 30th - Help with garage sale setup in Mokena

May 31st - Have the garage sale in Mokena

That is what I have so far.

I think my sister is mad at me????

I'm not sure why or what I did but I think she is mad at me. I saw her on Friday and talked to her on Sat breifly. Everything was fine. But I called her twice on Sunday and she didn't call back and I called her Monday to see how her new job is going and she left a msg saying it was fine, kinda sarcastically. So I called her again on Tuesday and felt like I was forcing her to talk. Weird. I called her yesterday and she didn't call me back. So I don't know what is up but I'm not gonna just keep calling her if she doesn't want to talk to me.

Who knows?

Kudos from my co-workers...

Here I'm going to brag a little bit. Here are two emails sent today from the Food and Beverage dept. It is pretty hard to get kudos from them.


Although these constant outages have caused us great frustration and challenge in communicating with our staff, Jen has been outstanding at the little which is within her control, by providing a constant flow of updates on her attempts to rectify.
Somehow her doing so has made this situation more bearable.
Lisa(Manager)

Just wanted you to know that though the issues with the pagers have been very frustrating for us, it really helps knowing that you team is doing everything you can to resolve.
Thanks, as always, for your demonstrated commitment.
Matt(Director)

It is nice getting some kind of respect for the level of service I give. I don't even get this from my own dept. and it either makes others jealous and they could give two shits. They don't deserve me and I know that.

Holy freaking massage

not in a good way. I had a free massage to today at the health fair at work and this lady attacked my ass.

She was pulling on my shoulder muscles and digging into me like I slept with her husband or something.

It would get better then back to my shoulders again. I do have to day I am not as tense in my shoulder but the rest of my back could of used some rubbing. The shoulders are the last place I want someone rubbing. Lower back please. She didn't even ask. Oh well I wasn't about to tell her how to do her job but I was happy when it was over.

Thanks for the beat down!

I was giving it the benefit of the doubt, but I better not have bruising.

Weekend was fun.

Break down:

Sunday: Me and Dennis were supposed to go to a car show. But we got some jacked up info. So we hung out at my house and he helped my brother put Lindsay's basketball hoop together. I jumped on the trampoline and ate and chilled. Then later cleaned my car.

My brother has me and Dennis over to watch the Cubs/Cardinals game and made hamburgers and hotdogs. It was a nice day.

Monday: I started my day earlier than usual and got ready for Frosty Tips. I stopped at Merlin because I have some sort of a leak. It could be oil or transmission fluid.

Worked from 2-6:30. The first half of the day was busy, then it died down. It freaking rained for 5 mins and ruined my clean car, not happy about that.

After work I left to go drop off Ice Cream to Jacki and Ed. I was there longer than expected, I know they had only so much time together. But I was glad to be there. Mia has such a huge personality now. She is fun to be around. Alex is a cutie and just starting to figure out what it going on. Its funny to watch him stare I wondering what it going through his head.

I left and had some coronitas with Dennis for Cinco De Mayo.

Good day.

Tuesday: Woke up okay, but got pissy really easy. I wanted to take a walk in the morning with Dennis, my back was killing me. But his mom wanted to show us something on TV and Dennis was wandering around the house. So there was no time for a walkie. So Pissy, we fo back to my house and I only have so much time before Lindsays track meet in Peotone. I had to call the school and mapquest this place. Jumped in the shower. and ate some pizza.

The drive was about 30 mins away on along as road in the middle of nowhere. But we got there on time watched her race. I am a big loudmouth at the meets if she is running I am yelling for her. Dropped her off at a friends and went back to my house with Dennis.

Me and Dennis played Horse with the new hoop and I remembered how good he was. We had a good time, we spent time out back just sitting and watched TV for the remainder of the night. We had to see out show "Bad girls club". He left somewhat early and I made myself dinner and lunch for the next day.

So I know this is a jumbled version of my time off, but it was somewhat relaxing. Thats what you do without money. haha.

I got to talk to my best friend

Yea!! Jacki called me today and we were able to have our 2-3 hour conversation.

It is totally understandable why we weren't talking. But it just felt like I was missing something when we didn't talk, weird?

Either way I don't expect it every day but it was nice and I think it have her some adult communication.

Thanks for the call today Jacki. I hope you had a good day and got a nap in.

Aspirated...Yeah

I have to get my cyst aspirated (drained). I couldn't remember this word for shit. But I figured it out.

I, like a big girl, called the surgeon, Dr. Danielson, all I can think about is Karate Kid. Either way called the office and made an appt. The first available is on the 27th.

I wasn't going to call the Dr. because I thought it would go down on its own. Not so much. It is painful now. OUCH. not all of the time but to the touch and thats the side I lay on to sleep.

I made all of the arrangements and made sure they had the ultrasound report. I am a procrastination queen, but if it involves pain lets get it taken care of.

I did look up a cyst in the breast and it seems like a normal thing to happen. It does look like it happens more in the age range of 40-60. Not even close. But I will be glad when it does get drained I am hoping that the pain doesn't get worse. I would have to see another Dr. and I have heard great things about this one.

Positive things...

Baby Alex is here and he is adorable

I get to see Jayme and Jase soon!!!!!

I get to start my pills again. I have been off of them for over a month.

I am working at Frosty Tips, little extra money and free ice cream, of course

Being healthy and having friends and family that love me.

Bored and lazy

Hi Im bored, there is absolutly nothing left for me to look at on the internet so I am blogging.

I have been really lazy lately and it is actually nice. I don't have to run around with my head cut off on my days off. It will be short lived but it was nice to just hang out. Its funny because almost everyday I was doing something or going somewhere. Just not as crazy.

I really don't spend alot of time at my moms house. I barely look at the computer. I have to fight the both of them for it. It is nice that today at work I don't have to figure out if I have printed everything out or just do the stupid computer stuff.

I did freak out once on my days off but my PMDD kicked in and I was super hormonal freak of nature with the anger and the crying and the depression. My god!
I was freaking about being home and having no place of my own. Dennis's mom bitching about a show we were watching didn't help. i do have to say all of our parents are selfish in some way and also negative. I have been really trying to be positive lately and the stupid negativity is discusting.

I miss my freedom and feel like I have been doing this forever already.

So sorry I haven't blogged I am going to try to more but I really don't feel like people are reading it.