2 weeks ago I found a lump in my breast. I actually was in the crest hill house at the time. I was taken back by it, I have never found anything in my boobs before. So I freaked for a second and decided to wait to see if it goes down after my period. Well I went through the move thinking about it in my spare time and checking it. I had not told anyone, even Dennis about it. So On Thursday night of my first week in my moms house I was in the shower and it felt like a ping pong ball. I about threw up. I went in my bedroom and thought about telling Dennis on the phone. Instead i called him and asked what he was doing the next day. I couldn't do it. So of course I didn't get good sleep and was supposed to go to work the next day. I couldn't risk it. So I called off. I told my mom I had a Dr's appointment when she asked if I was going to work. So I am secretly trying to call my Dr and they were fucking close. WHAt, give me a break. So I Sarah and had to tell her. I was trying not to get upset on the phone, because I am freaking out. She told me of a Dr. in her office that was nice, she wasn't a OB but did the exams. I called made an appointment and prepared myself. My mom never left for work, damn, I didn't want to get confronted. And I did.
She usually will freak out and I didn't need that, i was trying to stay calm. I am really glad I did talk to her. She said that she had a water filled cyst one time. So everything that happens to my mom usually happens to me. So that is what I keep in my head to keep me sane.
Went to my appointment and had to give my whole family history. She did feel it, but wanted me to get off of the pill so i had no hormones in my system. I had to force a period. Ooooh fun. Also no birth control so no nookie. I left with a appointment the about 10 days later. I didn't want to wait and think about it.
So all of the time went by I tried not to think about it at all, But sometimes my mind would take over.
Day of, I had an early ass appointment maybe 7:00am, now this is in Naperville, its a trek from Wilmington. I made it on time and was pretty calm. I walk in and I though I walked into the wrong place it looked like a spa. So I told the receptionbitch that I had a 7:00 appointment. with a bitchy attitude she say "im gonna need a name" holy shit are you fucking kidding me I am coming to see if I could possibly have cancer and you give me attitude. Bad taste in my mouth. So I go sit in this room which was set up like a living room with cushy seats and paintings of women with no clothes on on the walls. I couldn't see there junk, whatever. So at this moment I freak,
I am going to have an anxiety attack. I was the first in the waiting room but them two other women came in. All I could think about was if those women had breast cancer or were checking it and which one of us were going to get horrible news today. I also thought about my aunt who died of breast cancer last year. I kept thinking that she was sitting in a place like this and she got horrible news. Seriously I was on the verge of crying, i couldn't look at anybody. Dennis really wanted to go with me, but I think it would of made it worse.
I get called. I have to take off the upper part of my clothes and put on the softest robe I have ever felt on. Then I get to sit and wait more, with more painting of women. Come on give me a break. I knew it all was going to happen any second and stayed strong. I also was not going to sit on the table yet. I chose to sit on the chair on top of my clothes. I saw the ultrasound machine and tried not to look at it.
So in she comes tells me to get on table and lay down, turns down the lights which was nice and put the warm goo on my boob and then continue to molest my boobs for what felt like forever. I was painful at times also. toward the end I started getting cold and shivering, I mean the warm goo turned into cold goo. Either way she placed one paper towel on my chest and I had to clean myself off. I need more than one so I asked and she left. she said don't get dressed and stay on the table. It wasn't much longer and the Dr. arrived.
Oh lord, what is she going to say. She tells me to point to the spot and she puts more goo on me and shows me on the screen this huge black spot. She tells me its fine its a fluid filled cyst. Relief. Thats it just a cyst. She tells me I need to cut back on the caffeine big time. She said theres nothing to worry about and it should go away. I get dresses and I receive a piece of paper with boxes with saying next to them mine said "non cancerous". I could of been the next box down.
So out the door I go and receptionbitch says bye and I ignore her. Then I almost get hit bye a car, make that a mini van. I don't know if she wasn't looking but I was looking at her and telling her some kind words. Damn bitch. So in my car sit down exhale look at my paper and start balling. It is surprising. I was able to push it all back and hold it I guess. The other things was that my aunt wasn't this lucky. I was happy for me but sad for her even though shes in heaven.
It was a scary thing that i don't want to go through again. I am grateful I am okay. Of course Sarah was the first to hear above everyone else. She found out about my lump first.
I know this is long but this is what I felt in these couple weeks of just not knowing.
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